You were asleep so quickly, and I was left almost alone. The songs were there to keep me company. His voice and the water swept me up and I became Ophelia, floating, disintegrating on my way down into something darker. The flowers aren’t so sweet, you know. Lovely but they cause me pain. Someone forgot to cut the thorns from my white roses. The reds hurt so much I threw them far from me. Fear woke before me but you didn’t hear a thing. It was silent then, but for me speaking to no one. The knife wasn’t there to cut anything, it was there to threaten. To make a very certain point. To tell me to get used to the feeling. It never ends, you know. I was looking for the door as well, but like the same tragic, hopeless one, it never appeared. There was no door. My mind’s not made up to do anything, only wait and decide at the last moment. If there is another moment left.

Conversations

Words are something I haven’t given in a long time. I…can’t find them sometimes. It’s easy not to exist, do you know that? It’s easy not to feel, not to care. I’m sorry. I never left. All you had to do was call for me, and I’d be there, no questions asked. I’d do anything for you, but sometimes I feel unneeded. I don’t want to disappear like all the others. I don’t want to die from being forgotten. Why were we even reminded of what we lost? We could have done something, anything at all, to save the one we loved, still love, even after all this time! A short time together in bittersweet love, would that even count as a love? Is that the closest thing we have to actually having someone?

I know. He could have loved me. He could have loved us. Maybe, in time, we’d forget what it was that we were looking for. I’d learn how to be unafraid again. I’d actually be able to help someone, someone who would accept all of me, who would trust me to return the love and trust given. Is that so much to want? We could have had it! It was floated in front of our faces and then it was snatched away, god reconsidering a promise. I want what I was promised! I want what we could have had.

This may seem a bit confusing, but these are large parts of my journal that I'm putting in here. Just to explain.

And if you tilt it just right, just so, there it is again, the full spectrum. But only if you let your eyes go properly wonky. And there, right there, is a touch of hot pink. How delightful. The only light I have is from one of those little lamps that you have only to touch to turn on. That, and this frightfully harsh, glaring screen. Seriously, I can’t look properly mysterious when I look so owlish.

And if you turn up the light enough, you won’t see any of our supposed flaws at all, you’ll be simply blinded, simply and gloriously blinded. And maybe, just maybe, the fluid in your eyes will start to boil, and rupture through, and run down your cheeks in a scalding clear gel.

It nearly stops my heart every time I happen upon it by accident, such a shock it gives, but such a soothing image once I adjust. You can’t really deny it, that this is what I rely on, health and sanity. Give me just a few more seconds and you just might save me from myself. I’d like that, if it just lifted me up and wrapped me up, and nobody ever saw me again, and that was all I had. I could live, hanging there with just the sound of it forever. All I really need to survive is his voice, surrounding me. I don’t even really need to see his face, though he is lovely, just have his voice around me forever.

I wanted to take a look at you and see something nobody else sees, nobody else would know, and keep it for myself. I swear, with all that I have, that I would not tell a soul. I’m not asking you to be with me, only to trust me, so that I can be real to you. That is all I really want. I was forgotten by the one that could see me, like an imaginary friend, and I need a new child to believe in me. Will you be so credulous? Will you be so gullible? Will you remember that I am alive?

I told you not to tell me the reason I feared that you were there for. But, like all the things I told you, you didn’t listen much. You told me that you were there to jump. I was there for the view. You know, I went back to that place yesterday, when you were away. I didn’t want you to know how weak I was. I looked over the edge, and thought of what you must have been thinking when you were there. You know, I could almost see my reflection in the water below me. Could you see yourself that day? Did you not see anyone with you? Because I couldn’t see anyone with me. But there I was, on the edge, and what did I see but you walking toward me. We stood together on the edge, and I could see us in the water. We stood together on the brink of nothingness, and it was everything we could have wanted. We didn’t say a word, but we stood there and knew each other’s thoughts. I leaned out, but you didn’t move. You didn’t need to. As surely as you had pulled a rope I came back. I told you that I wasn’t there for that. But you said that I was. I had to at least see it, and in a way, I did jump. But you were there, and you pulled me back. I wonder who pulled you back.

Believe me when I say that I trust you, but this is what I know. This is the only way that I know to save myself. I may be just out of sight, but I will never leave. If you want to find me, you have only to look where it is cold. This is how I preserve myself. I will hide in the ice, in the cold, where the things that have been done do not hurt me. This is nothing you have done on purpose, it is just that there are some things that cannot be given. I told you, I learn not to want the things I cannot have. This is something I now know that I cannot have. Strangely, this realization did not take me long to uncover. Three days, maybe four, and I almost don’t feel a thing when I think of you. You are still my friend, I still want to help you, and make it so you don’t cry anymore, but I know that you…that you like someone else. This is always the case. I end up looking like a stupid kid looking for attention, and they feel sorry for me, or they laugh at me. It almost scares me that this isn’t a hard thing for me to do. I’m so good at this, turning it off. I’m so good at not caring, and not feeling when I don’t. I wonder why sometimes I feel really happy for no good reason, but I realize that some of these times I must not feel anything at all. I am past hurting myself to feel something, the numbness is something I like. Perhaps I should tell someone, but perhaps I don’t want to bother. I look at Davey and feel like I can be fine if he can. He is surviving, so can I. He is strong. I know I feel like I’m sleeping, but I can’t think of one damn reason to wake up. Perhaps it doesn’t matter whether I ever wake up or not. My friend told me that there will be a time when I can want something again, when I don’t have to block it out. I don’t know if I can believe that, not now. The hope is wounding. If I can stop hoping, then I can get on with everything else. Despite what I may say, I don’t think that anyone really notices the things I don’t do. Now that I consider it, I know why a certain person has not called me. I am not the same person, there is nothing left of me but screams, just like Davey said. But he was wrong. Nobody can love the screams. But can’t anyone realize, that I don’t want to be like this? I don’t like being pathetic and left behind. I don’t like begging for attention. I don’t like myself much.
Don’t you see, see this at all, that what I am and what you see are never the same? You see me go insane and dance on the city streets, but that is so I don’t fall down in them and stay there. I laugh and scream so that I am not silent. I fear that if I ever slow down, if only for a moment, I will stop. I will simply lose momentum and fall over. I will sleep all day, like the day someone threw that wall into my face. I was so shocked, so floored that I couldn’t get up, couldn’t even speak for a while. I slept most of that day because I didn’t know how to get up again. Then, just like nothing ever happened, I got up, because I made myself forget what was keeping me down. I blocked it out, just like a thousand times before. One by one I learn to live without the things I thought I was entitled to. One by one I see that those that have them never really earned them, never really appreciate them. She can have him. In the end I will have him longer, if not in the same way. Girlfriends come and go, but I will always be there. I do not demand affection, just company, nothing more than they want from me. That is the only capacity that I can fill, the only one where nothing is required. I want to help, I try, I want to more than anything. But I’m afraid that a certain someone was right. I can only truly serve myself. I can never give anyone what they want or deserve. It is not that I am unwanted, no. Many want me around and enjoy my company. But not one of them needs me. It could be anyone else, anyone at all. I like to think that when I let them down it won’t matter much. I will be replaced quickly. I can’t see it happening any other way. I’m sorry. I can’t finish.