Believe me when I say that I trust you, but this is what I know. This is the only way that I know to save myself. I may be just out of sight, but I will never leave. If you want to find me, you have only to look where it is cold. This is how I preserve myself. I will hide in the ice, in the cold, where the things that have been done do not hurt me. This is nothing you have done on purpose, it is just that there are some things that cannot be given. I told you, I learn not to want the things I cannot have. This is something I now know that I cannot have. Strangely, this realization did not take me long to uncover. Three days, maybe four, and I almost don’t feel a thing when I think of you. You are still my friend, I still want to help you, and make it so you don’t cry anymore, but I know that you…that you like someone else. This is always the case. I end up looking like a stupid kid looking for attention, and they feel sorry for me, or they laugh at me. It almost scares me that this isn’t a hard thing for me to do. I’m so good at this, turning it off. I’m so good at not caring, and not feeling when I don’t. I wonder why sometimes I feel really happy for no good reason, but I realize that some of these times I must not feel anything at all. I am past hurting myself to feel something, the numbness is something I like. Perhaps I should tell someone, but perhaps I don’t want to bother. I look at Davey and feel like I can be fine if he can. He is surviving, so can I. He is strong. I know I feel like I’m sleeping, but I can’t think of one damn reason to wake up. Perhaps it doesn’t matter whether I ever wake up or not. My friend told me that there will be a time when I can want something again, when I don’t have to block it out. I don’t know if I can believe that, not now. The hope is wounding. If I can stop hoping, then I can get on with everything else. Despite what I may say, I don’t think that anyone really notices the things I don’t do. Now that I consider it, I know why a certain person has not called me. I am not the same person, there is nothing left of me but screams, just like Davey said. But he was wrong. Nobody can love the screams. But can’t anyone realize, that I don’t want to be like this? I don’t like being pathetic and left behind. I don’t like begging for attention. I don’t like myself much.
Don’t you see, see this at all, that what I am and what you see are never the same? You see me go insane and dance on the city streets, but that is so I don’t fall down in them and stay there. I laugh and scream so that I am not silent. I fear that if I ever slow down, if only for a moment, I will stop. I will simply lose momentum and fall over. I will sleep all day, like the day someone threw that wall into my face. I was so shocked, so floored that I couldn’t get up, couldn’t even speak for a while. I slept most of that day because I didn’t know how to get up again. Then, just like nothing ever happened, I got up, because I made myself forget what was keeping me down. I blocked it out, just like a thousand times before. One by one I learn to live without the things I thought I was entitled to. One by one I see that those that have them never really earned them, never really appreciate them. She can have him. In the end I will have him longer, if not in the same way. Girlfriends come and go, but I will always be there. I do not demand affection, just company, nothing more than they want from me. That is the only capacity that I can fill, the only one where nothing is required. I want to help, I try, I want to more than anything. But I’m afraid that a certain someone was right. I can only truly serve myself. I can never give anyone what they want or deserve. It is not that I am unwanted, no. Many want me around and enjoy my company. But not one of them needs me. It could be anyone else, anyone at all. I like to think that when I let them down it won’t matter much. I will be replaced quickly. I can’t see it happening any other way. I’m sorry. I can’t finish.