The Cure-Love Song

This used to be my song for J. That and Pictures of You. In fact, the entirety of Disintegration seemed to be about us. Now, it just serves as a reminder of the things I never had. Wanted, tried so hard to get, but never had.
I’ve almost done it. I’m almost to the point where I feel nothing at all. I really believed that this is what I wanted. Where I once stayed awake, alert, in agony, I now glance dispassionately and feel nothing. Where once there was a voice of reason, one to keep me living and sane, there is only silence. I can actually hear the echoes of myself in there.
A great part of the fear has left me. I don’t see this as much of a good thing. I need some kind of constant reminder, knowledge of an impending end to keep me alive. Everything I see means nothing, my friends are distant, and screaming makes no sound. I see D., not three feet from me, but looking at her, there could be a million miles and oceans between us.
I had a strange dream. I wasn’t human; I was just a very sophisticated replica. Who knows what it means when a simulation is more believable than the real thing? Someone called me cruel, an asshole, and I told them that they were only jealous because I was a better model of one.
I’d like to feel something petty, something lighter.

I don’t know what to do with M. I am not enough. I may look like a person, but I am not. She does not see that this is a simulation, more real than life. She holds his grip on me, so mundane and ruthless it kills me. I don’t like this feeling.
It doesn’t matter what’s inside, as long as no one ever sees it. My performance has been perfected; they think me capable of things that I never knew or understood. What I have become is a cancer inside a gleaming shell, rotting from the inside, numbing the nerves and eating everything. Nobody can smell the foul odor, it just decays without notice.

How I feel…is like living at the bottom of the ocean. Breath is stifled, an immense pressure crushes down. Words never survive the journey upwards. Bubbles break the surface, are seen for their presence, but the significance is never noted. This is true, for have you not seen people on the ocean? They see bubbles and assume it must be some creature that dwells there and is adapted to life underwater. They never think that someone could be drowning just out of sight.

You know what?

I'm not happy.